By Jay Holland – Student and Family Ministries Pastor
You’ve probably been there…
Your group is flowing. A student shares something. Then another adds on.
Suddenly, the conversation takes a left turn.
Someone cracks a crude joke.
Another starts gossiping about someone who’s not there.
Or a student opens up with something way too personal for the setting.
What do you do?
Freeze? Panic? Ignore it?
Great leaders don’t panic. They redirect — with grace, clarity, and confidence.
Let’s talk through how.
1. Understand What Counts as “Inappropriate”
Before reacting, it’s important to know what you’re dealing with.
“Inappropriate” doesn’t always mean “bad.”
Sometimes it just means: not helpful right now.
Here are a few examples:
- Crude or offensive jokes — even if students think they’re funny
- Gossip or criticism — especially about someone not present
- Oversharing — when a student shares something deeply personal in a mixed or immature group
- Spiraling conversations — where the talk becomes distracting, off-topic, or undermines the teaching
Your job isn’t to shut down every rabbit trail — it’s to protect the group culture.
Discern: Is this a moment to let the group breathe, or a moment to intervene?
2. Match Your Response to the Moment
Not every moment needs a megaphone.
Often, how you say something is just as important as what you say.
Here are three levels of response to keep in your toolbox:
Gentle Redirection
Use these when things drift off-topic or get mildly disruptive:
- “Let’s stay focused here.”
- “That’s interesting — but let’s bring it back to the question.”
- “Good thought — I want to make sure we’re all tracking with the message.”
These subtle shifts help keep your group from losing focus without shaming anyone.
Clear Boundary-Setting
Some moments require you to step in boldly and set a standard:
- “Let’s not talk about people who aren’t here to speak for themselves.”
- “We’re not going to joke about that — let’s speak life, not shame.”
- “That crosses the line — let’s shift gears.”
You can be firm and still be kind.
Don’t let toxic, dishonoring, or inappropriate content continue unchecked — even if it’s uncomfortable.
Private One-on-One Follow-Up
Some topics don’t belong in group — but they do deserve care.
Follow up with:
- “That’s a big topic — and I’m really glad you brought it up. But I think that’s better for a one-on-one conversation.”
- “Let’s grab another leader and talk more after group. I want to make sure we give that the time and care it deserves.”
This lets you protect the group while still valuing the student who shared.
Remember: correction in public, when needed.
But pastoring often happens in private.
3. Shepherd the Conversation, Not Just Control It
You’re not just running a meeting — you’re shepherding souls.
That means your goal isn’t perfect control. It’s:
- Protecting the tone of the group
- Guiding toward healthy, helpful conversation
- Showing how to speak truth in love
Ask yourself:
- Is this student being disruptive… or just awkwardly vulnerable?
- Do I need to redirect the topic… or steward it better?
Jesus was full of grace and truth. We need both, too.
Bonus Tip: Practice Your Tone
These moments will catch you off guard.
So get ahead by:
- Having a few go-to phrases ready
- Practicing how you’ll say them
- Staying calm, confident, and kind — even when firm
A well-placed, low-drama redirect keeps your group moving without crushing the student.
Final Challenge: Don’t Freeze — Shepherd
This week, pay attention to your group dynamic.
If the conversation goes sideways, don’t shut down — step in with grace and direction.
Remember:
- Not all silence is bad.
- Not all over-sharing is evil.
- Not all rabbit trails need chasing.
But some things need pastoring, and that starts with your steady voice.
You’re not just keeping the group on track — you’re shaping a safe space where real discipleship can happen.
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